I started this year, thinking of the sadness of facing another year without you, it's soo hard. The pain of loosing you doesn't ease but i don't think about it as often, I think of you but try not to think of the pain or death. I try to imagine who you would of been, make up my own version of what i think you would look like now and your likes and dislikes. It's all a dream, a cruel dream, it hurts but also helps me to feel close to you. This year i am allowing myself to be happy, i think my guilt and anxiety has really affected me the last couple of years. Sometimes when i look back since the time i lost you, im amazed how i managed to muddle through, how brave. Although most of the time when i think back i dont think i have been brave at all, scared, anxious, depressed, oh how i haven't coped well. I always worry what people think, judging myself, perhaps more than i expect others to. I feel soo vulnerable. Anyway, a new year, without you..... i have my life, i am lucky........i need to be happy xxxxx